With Christmas now over and Hanukkah coming to an end, 2008 is quickly coming to a close, and with that comes that most famed of traditions:
The New Year's Resolution.
If you're like most people, there's probably a few you hear (and possibly make yourself) year after year: exercise. Lose weight. Stop [fill-in your bad habit].
But how many people do you know who actually follow through?
This isn't easy. Life often throws many curve-balls into your path, and sometimes even when you're disciplined it's difficult to stay on course. A few of our coaches work out at the gym regularly, and one of the most common patterns they notice is that when they return to the gym after the holidays, the gym is packed with all kinds of people: young guys looking to bulk up, middle-aged women looking to slim down, older people looking to just get moving again. Yet inevitably - almost like clockwork - come mid-March almost all of the new crowd is gone leaving the same group of dedicated regulars they've always seen.
What's happens to all those people?
Of course, we suppose it's possible that maybe a few of them were just visiting that particular gym while traveling for the holidays, or that their only goal was to work off the extra two pounds they put on while eating Auntie's cheesecake. For most people, however, what probably happened is that - for whatever reason - they just got...well, distracted.
See, when people make New Year's resolutions, what they're almost always talking about is a change in their habits. By a 'habit', we simply mean any recurring pattern of behavior; i.e. regularly saving at least 10% of your money is a habit; memorizing the Gettysberg address is not (though there is probably someone somewhere who had that as a New Years Resolution).
The problem with habits is that they suffer from two phenomena known as psychic inertia and psychic momentum.
(For any physicists reading, what follow is a dramatic simplification to illustrate a point)
The law of physical inertia (also known as Newton's first law of motion) states the following: "Objects at rest tend to remain at rest, and object in motion tend to remain in motion - unless acted upon by an outside force."
The law of psychic inertia is similar: "Habits in use tend to remain in use, unless altered through a change in circumstance rendering the habit impossible or through conscious attention."
This means that - unless you change your circumstances to render the habit impossible (e.g. getting rid of all the cookies in the house) or use conscious attention or willpower (e.g. forcing yourself to get up earlier and get to the gym), your habit is not going to change on its own.
This law people usually intuitively understand, which is why they made the New Years resolution in the first place - the realize that they need to pay conscious attention to change their habit. So far so good.
Then comes the concept of psychic momentum. Physical momentum is determined the both the speed and weight of an object, and affects how much force is required to change the speed or direction of that object.
Psychic momentum is similar, with the basic gist being that the longer you've engaged in a particular habit, the more time and attention it's going to take you before you've eliminated the old habit and put a new one in it's place.
Now many people may understand this, but they often underestimate just how much time and energy it will actually take to change that habit that they've had for so long.
You are likely aware that here at Social Charm, our team spends time and energy on trying to break down and understand human social dynamics. However, this is only half the battle. Even if we understand them, unless we can help train others in the skills necessary to capitalize on this knowledge, all that knowledge wouldn't really be of much use.
See, when you take our Core Program or any of our other more advanced programs, we will of course teach you some theory and concepts, but mostly we're concerned with changing your social habits.
Social habits are any habits that relate to your interaction with other people. For example, going out with your friends every Friday night (or staying in and watching TV) is a social habit. A firm handshake and good eye contact (or a limp handshake and poor eye contact) is another. Getting a bit more advanced, learning to take up more space or speak more slowly (both high-status indicators) are also social habits. Most of the time, you do (or don't do) these things without thinking about it, but they can significantly affect other people's perceptions of you.
Because we spend so much of our time trying to understand how to do this, we've gotten some pretty good insight into what it really takes to establish a new habit (and it's not always what you would think).
Thus without further ado, here's the real way to set a goal for a new habit and actually make it happen:
Pick only ONE. If you're one of the few people who is already able to consistently set a goal for yourself and hit it without problem, then maybe setting two or three Near Year's Resolutions is fine. But for most people, having more than one goal exponentially raises the probability that you won't hit any of them. Numerous studies have shown that the human brain really isn't wired for multi-tasking, and that when you have to switch your conscious attention between many different tasks, your productivity goes way down. We'll go into this is much more detail in an upcoming article.
DON'T Make it too specific. This flies in the face of popular convention. Most things you read on goal-setting advise you to be as specific as possible when setting a goal (e.g. I will go to the gym every morning at 6:15am and work out for 2 hours). This just doesn't seem to fit with our experience. The problem with something so specific is that - because of the vagaries of life - oftentimes things don't go according to plan, and then people get frustrated because the are 'failing', which leads them to give up altogether.
In the above example, people say "I'm going to go to the gym every morning". For the first week or two, they make it. At some point, however, something happens. Maybe they had to stay up late to finish some work. Maybe they get sick. Maybe they're just extra tired one morning. In any event, things happen and before long a whole week has gone by without going to the gym. Since they had promised themselves they would be going to the gym every day, a whole week just seems like a failure. "I shouldn't even have tried," people say, "It's just impossible."
And then they give up.
The secret is to build a little bit more flexibility into the process. In the military, they subscribe to what's known as a "Single-Objective-Multiple-Strategy" methodology. This means they know the outcome they'd like, but realize that - in the real world - things don't always go perfectly according to plan, so they need a few different ways that they go about accomplishing that one objective. The original plan might be to cross the bridge. If the bridge is blown out, it's okay, because they also have planned for a team to forge the river. If the river looks too dangerous, they have already planned for an air convoy.
You should do the same for your new Years Resolution.
First, don't be overly specific in your outcome. If you're goal is to lose weight, let it be something like "lose ten pounds by summer", not "lose 1 lb every week." The more interim constraints you put on yourself, the less likely you are to actually make it, since it's harder to lose exactly one pound a week than it is to lose ten pounds by summer (just like it's more difficult to predict a stock's price day by day than it is to estimate the range it will be in a year).
Second, be very flexible about how you are going to achieve that objective. If you're goal is to lose ten pounds by summer, there's certainly nothing wrong with going to the gym every morning. But it might turn out that that particular way of trying to get your exercise is just not working. Instead of giving up, try something else - going to the gym at lunch. In the afternoon or evening. If the gym isn't working, maybe it's just going for a run or walk. Maybe it's taking the stairs instead of the elevator. The less rigid you are about the process (unless you already know that process works), the more likely you are to achieve the outcome that you'd like.
Cut it down to size. The objective here is not to lose motivation, because here's how habits really work: Say you set a goal to lose 25 pounds next year. You're excited by your goal, so you start out working hard. In two months, you've lost 4.5 pounds. At this rate you're never going to get to 25 pounds, so you get frustrated that you're not going to hit your goal, so you quit altogether. Net weight loss by the end of the year: +1. Bummer.
Now say instead of 25 pounds, you cut it down to 'at least 5 pounds. You're a little less over-the-top excited about the goal because it doesn't seem as exciting at first, but you give it a shot. You start out working hard...and within two months you've lost 4.5 pounds. "Hey" you think to yourself, "this is pretty close to my five pound goal...I can do this". You continue to work out when you can, and by the time summer rolls around you've gotten just about to the 5 pound mark. However, most importantly, by this time you've established the habit of being healthy, so you continue to go even after the summer has started. New weight loss by the end of the year: -20.
The point is simple: aim for consistent action in the general direction of the goal, and keep going. The results will come.
Choose your sacrifice. This is definitely one aspect that many people overlook. Each person has 24 hours a day, and each of those 24 hours is spent doing something, whether working, playing, socializing, exercising, traveling, watching TV, or perhaps even sitting in the corner. This means that if you want to start doing something, then you must - by definition - stop doing something else. In some cases, what you stop doing might be easy. Maybe you stop staring off into space. Maybe you stop watching so much TV. However, as you start doing things that are more in line with your values and become more successful, the tradeoffs become more difficult. Do you work that extra hour on that big project due tomorrow, or do you spend time with your family? Do you take a job that will make you r ich, or the one that pays less but is doing what you love?
The point is that in order to gain something, you have to give up something (even if that something is extra relaxation time or time spent in front of the TV). So for your New Year's resolution, ask yourself what you are willing to give up to achieve that goal. Then, by focusing on not doing that thing, you can free up time and attention to do the thing you'd like to achieve.
Create social pressure. So much of what we do is influenced by other people and our need to conform. Don't believe us? Try something simple like standing facing the back of an elevator or talking loudly on a quiet bus or train. These rules are completely man made, but if you break them you can feel the awkwardness. Social pressure is a powerful force. It's why mobs can be so dangerous, why groups can commit atrocities that outsiders cannot comprehend, and why teenagers are always warned about 'peer pressure'.
But we can use social pressure for good, too. The easiest way to do this is to join a group of people who are trying to do the same thing you are. If you're trying to lose weight, join Weight Watchers. If you're trying to quit smoking, join a group for that. And hang out with those folks. Use others to motivate you and keep you disciplined.
Change your environment to make the habit convenient. One of the easiest way to change your habits is to change your environment to facilitate it. One guy we know who wanted to force himself to be more social moved from the suburbs to the city, since he knew it would be easier to 'get out', when he could walk to the nearest bar or club in a matter of minutes without much effort. A hospital that was trying to get its staff to wash their hands more regularly put antibacterial location all over the hospital; within a month, compliance more than tripled. If you're trying to put on muscle, put a few dumbells near your desk.
By following these few rules, you can increase your chance of keeping that new years resolution, and starting down the path to changing your habits and your life.
Before we end this issue, we'd like to make a few broad recommendations for New Year's resolutions that will probably do you good:
Get out of the house. Stop sitting in front the the TV or computer, and get out and talk to people. Real people. New people. In-Person. Go to a bar, a club, the library, a bookstore, the art gallery, a friend's party (or host your own), a concert. The first step to getting better with people is to spend more time interacting with them. You're better off spending 3 hours with your friends at dinner than 3 hours in front of the TV any day. If you don't have time to go out because of your job, perhaps you should reconsider your job. If you're in school and are studying all the time, B's and improving your social skills will get you much further in life than A's with no social skills.
Get a hobby. Whether it's tennis, drawing, cooking, skydiving, yoga, or whatever else, go find other people who love to do the same thing and join in. Not only will you get to meet other people with common interests, but you'll also learn new things about your favorite topic.
Get in shape. "Nothing else matters if you don't have your health." You don't need to have a body like Angela or Brad, but being healthy affects every other area of your life. For those of you (particuarly guys) who are already in pretty good shape but think they need to be in better shape to impress the ladies, trust us - you're better off spending time improving your social skills than benching another 50 pounds.
Take the time to get your social life handled. The start of a new year is a great time to make the decision to improve your social skills. Whether it's overcoming social anxiety, learning how to network, or improving your love life, the Social Charm Core Program is a great way to get started down the path to a better social life.
So what's your New Year's resolution? What's your objective? What some different ways for achieving it? Is your goal realistic (i.e. half of what you think it should be)? What are you willing to give up to get it? How are you going create social pressure for yourself? How can you change your environment to make it easier for you?
We want to know. Fill out our New Year's Resolution Game Plan and send it in to us, and will give one person a FREE copy of our Core Program (and we'll let you know who it is in a future newsletter).
Until Next Time,
The Social Charm Team
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